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| Just re-read my whole Xanga. I want to give college me a hug. Or go back in time and be my own friend. I think current me would have good mentor and friend to college me. I would tell myself to enjoy it more while it lasted. Even though I was mad angst-y and incredibly stressed out back then, I still miss UofC. I miss campus, I miss the many people I met there, I miss the sense of wonder and excitement that being there helped me to find. Hell, I even miss class. Actually, I miss that more than I ever thought possible.
I think I'm doing a better job of enjoying the present these days. I still worry about where I'm going and who I'm going to be "when I grow up," but I realize that I'm living in what may very well be my last truly carefree, wild and crazy years. I appreciate that. Sometimes, when I start worrying about not getting enough sleep before work or some such malarkey, I remember that I can make it through a day being tired and I can fit so much more fun into my life that way.
And now there's Alex. We started dating a little over 2 months ago, after we randomly met at a co-worker's going away party and I spent all night talking to him because he could carry on a UofC level conversation. I feel like I found a corner piece to my little life puzzle, so now I finally have at least a starting point. And that's all I really want or need right now. I'm afraid to jinx it by writing anything else, honestly. I can just say that sometimes when I'm with him, I'll think to myself "this is exactly what I wanted, exactly what I've been waiting for. And I've got it. This can't really be happening." But it is.
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| I guess I have sort of abandoned Xanga. I didn't take to the new format very well...it took me far too long to even figure out how to create a new post today. I'm cool like that. I haven't forgotten my Xanga friends, though. I still lurk around occasionally and catch up on about a month's worth of posts at a time.
So, life. I'm kind of in limbo right now. I don't really know what I want to do (actually I don't really want to do anything, but I haven't picked a good second to "nothing" yet), and I'm paralyzed by the fear of making the wrong choice and being stuck with it. Not being on a 9-5, M-F schedule has been helpful to my state of mind, but also makes me even more scared of getting a "real" job. I don't know how to make new friends (the solution always seems to be "join a club!", which is complicated by the fact that I don't have any strong interests that would even have a club), and I sure as hell don't know how to meet guys. Should have tried harder in college, apparently.
Watching people I know and actually like/am friends with start to get married and have kids is also terrifying. I don't feel capable of taking care of a cactus, much less other people. I don't even know if I ever want to have kids (although seeing them on a daily basis is making me hate them more and more) but you're supposed to do that before you turn 30, which means if I want to have a few years to make sure I'm with the right person, get married, and have a few more years to enjoy being married and childless, I need to be working on that right about now. Yeah, not happening. Of all the people I know, there's a grand total of one that I could even picture myself dating, and I know upfront that that shit's not going to work out.
Plus, I'm supposed to be passionate about something which would then hopefully lead to a career. I got nothing. Again, I must have skipped the "find something you like" step in college. If only I could have unlimited money and not have to work for it. I think I'm going to start playing the lottery or something.
I also really wish that someone could tell me what to do. I get a lot of advice, but it's mostly along the lines of "things will be OK," which isn't all that helpful. I would really like to have one constant in my life, something that makes sense, something that I have all figured out. But my life is like a blank piece of paper, and I don't even have a pencil.
That's the end of my upbeat return Xanga post. Yay, emo internet.
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| I'm back from Mexico.
Apparently Xanga changed while I was away, and I don't know how to use it anymore so I haven't been around in the month or so I have been back.
Life Update:
-I'm not taking classes because I'm done with all my requirements, so I am staying at school and doing all my normal stuff minus classes. It rocks.
-Mexico was really, really amazing. I miss my host mom, the people, the weather, the laid-back attitude, the constant cheap beer, and the food.
-I met a cool boy at a concert last night. It was my first concert by myself and as I walked out the door I thought "man, wouldn't it be awesome if I met a cute punk rock boy at this concert? Too bad it's not gonna happen." And then it did. We ended up talking for almost 3 hours, which was amazing. It was really cool to finally have that kind of chemistry with someone again. I feel like fate is smiling on me, finally.
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| I'm going to Mexico today. I probably won't be around much until about March. Hope everyone has a happy 2008, and I'll catch you on the flip side.
Peace.
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| According to WikiHow:
"When hiking naked, use a bug spray containing deet to avoid
unsightly bug bites."
The more you know....
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